Embracing the challenges and joys of being a mum
When you become a mum, no matter your circumstance, you will never again not be a mum. You can never undo it. Unlike other jobs or vocations, a career change from motherhood is never on the cards.
I am a mother. I have a 17-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, and although it has been many years since my breastfeeding days, sleepless nights spent comforting them through teething, and days spent safeguarding them from stairs and sharp edges, the load remains the same, if not heavier, and the responsibility immense. Despite their steps toward freedom and independence, the love and bonds only ever grow deeper.
Over the years, I have come to realize that my children are not mine—they do not belong to me—and when I use the words “my son or daughter,” it is only when speaking with others. My children came through me and to me in my early twenties while I was married to their father. We three have effectively grown up together.
I raised them mostly alone since they were four and five years old. We have been each other’s teachers, confidants, enemies, and emotional and spiritual personal trainers. Today, I share with you several ideas that have been born to me as I have observed and experienced our individual and intertwined journeys together as a trio, which has taken us across the world and back again.
I didn’t always get it right, and I expect I won’t at times in the future either—and I’m okay with that because I am honest with my two. They know I always do my best and apologize when I mess up.
These concepts that I offer today are for you to ponder, try on, keep, or discard as you feel. If I had to leave you with one takeaway from being a mum so far, it would be this: the answers are usually already inside of you. The main job of a mum is to continue to deepen the connection she has with herself first. By default, the relationship with your child will continue to grow and develop too.
Parenting is nothing more than a relationship—a complex one for sure—but ultimately, it is two people trying to figure out this thing we call life together.
1. Pace yourself
When we first give birth, life literally revolves around our baby. Nothing is more important than their comfort and well-being, and we are responsible for everything. And of course, why would we want it any other way?
We vow to give and do our all for our precious offspring, which—no matter how challenged we may be feeling—is a precious gift. In the early days, it is hard to see into the future. It is almost impossible to imagine your baby, toddler, or preschooler as a teenager or young person, let alone an adult.
In my opinion, though, it is a must.
It is useful to understand early that being a mother is a long-haul journey—more like running a marathon than a sprint—and that pacing yourself in the early days by creating personal balance can help avoid burnout and a buildup of resentment.
When mine were little, I’d cram our days with activities, wear myself out by giving them so many opportunities, home-cooked organic meals, and one-on-one time. But when I ask them about those days now, they do not remember very much.
Furthermore, the type of demands that come with parenting tweens, teens, and young adults, I have found, demand a very different type of energy—one that far supersedes the simplicity of waking up to a baby’s cry and changing a diaper on demand.
Of course, relish every precious moment, but also conserve your energy. Mentally and emotionally, keep building yourself up, and remember: parenting is for life, not just for the early years!
2. Mother, not martyr
This might be deemed a controversial idea, and I must preface this by stating that, in most cases, our children do come first. Period.
I refrain from using the word “must” here, though, as it is not my intention to dictate to anyone how to do anything—let alone raise their child or organize their life.
It is worth considering, though, that there is a difference between giving from a place of choice, centeredness, awareness, and healthy boundaries—and allowing one’s sense of self, authentic desires, and pleasures to wither and die the moment a child comes along.
Having been raised in a culture deeply enmeshed in the idea that parents must give up everything for their kids, I have spent much time pondering this concept—what it really means and how it can be morphed into something healthier and mutually beneficial for both parent and child.
In many cultures and modern times, it is normal for children to be placed above and beyond the well-being and happiness of either parent—often to the detriment of their mental and physical health.
But my question is: What are we teaching them? What are we setting them up for in later life?
The chain of decline, pain, and resentment that has plagued the many generations before us is now in the hands of us modern parents. We are raising and impacting many generations to come.
This is, of course, an individual journey for each parent and cannot be taken from a book, custom, or culture.
Whether it’s a trend, expectation, or fear-mongering medical or health concept, be wary of why you are inclined to do it. Check whether you are being the type of mother you want to be—or if you are leaning toward the martyrdom that is often keenly intertwined with motherhood.
3. You are enough – trust yourself
From the moment of conception, there are a myriad of opportunities to begin feeling inadequate as a mother.
From pregnancy onwards, we quickly buy into the myth that there is a perfect way to do this:
There are endless opportunities for feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and guilt.
As a single mother with a less-than-mainstream life, I battled feelings of not being enough on many levels. I made the mistake of believing that I was failing because my kids were not turning out a certain way.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
It took about six months of testing out alternatives that were not my own natural ways, and witnessing the contrasting outcomes, to understand that I was doing okay in the first place—because we were doing it our way.
No one will ever know your child the way you do, and no two children are the same.
One system does not work for all, and there is no generic philosophy to suit the uniqueness of your child and your relationship.
4. Allow them the gift of their own experience
Our immediate tendency is to protect our little ones from all pain, discomfort, and loss.
Of course, we are hardly likely to allow them to run onto a busy street or munch away on a dishwasher tablet when they feel like it.
But we must allow them to experience life in its entirety—with its many opportunities for growth, learning, and emotional intelligence.
This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn and accept.
As parents, we must trust in their strength and resilience. We must also trust in the bigger picture of life—the one that is formed by the smaller snapshots we live inside of daily.
Your child’s strength lies in the level of belief you have in their ability to cope with what life brings—and learn through experience.
5. Facilitate rather than control
To facilitate is to make possible.
We often forget that children are not empty vessels. They are not blank canvases that we must fill and mold entirely to our own ideals.
Parenting is not about controlling. It is about guiding, supporting, and trusting in their unfolding journey.
As your child grows, make sure you grow with them.
Seize the opportunity to become a better version of yourself—as they do, too.
Just as your child will never be perfect, neither will you.
And that, dear fellow mum, is exactly how it is supposed to be.
Here’s to raising our children—and our children raising us!